Sunday, September 25, 2005

Work from Intention

Here we are Sunday night and I have computer access. Not a good sign. In fact, I am not at home, or at my parents, or anywhere that would be even mildly more enjoyable than where I am now. I'm at work! For the third time in two days! What the hell is wrong with me? When am I going to learn to say no?

You'll have to bear with me, but this will likely be a long and rambling entry. Skip it if you're at all impatient. I need to work this out.

Why am I here (at work)? A couple of reasons. Yesterday morning I found out the yoga workshop I was planning to attend was cancelled for lack of participants. (I'm trying so hard to get some practice in, but it's kinda feeling like somebody/someone doesn't want me practice - whole other issue, must keep to the point). Shortly after that I was called by a work colleague wondering if I could cover someone's overtime shift that afternoon. Despite my reservations accepting this offer, I (foolishly?) said yes. In all honesty, the work wasn't that bad - there wasn't much and it was simple enough. The problems have to do with ... oh no!

Now what do I do? When I started this blog I promised myself I wouldn't write about work in any way, shape or form. And guess what? Here I am about to spill the beans on a work related situation. Should I just do it? Maybe I should just stop typing and let it fester and grow like a pus filled cyst inside me (because that's what it feels like right now!!)?

OK - here's what I'll do. I went to work. Did the overtime. Left early. But not too happy. Enough.

Continued with my afternoon. Made my way out to a friend's house for one last bbq. Saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while. Enjoyed the company and the food. Didn't enjoy the millions of kids screaming and running all over the place. Gave me a headache within 15 minutes of arriving. Ugh. Either I am really not a kid person or I am spending too much time alone.

Then I saw a friend I really was not expecting to see. Some weeks prior I had asked if she would be able to babysit for a mutual friend for a couple of days (FYI - this mutual friend was willing to pay too). She told me that she and her family were probably going to be away during the week in question. I kind of doubted the story at the time, but took her at her word. If she didn't want to babysit, surely she would have just said so. What reason would she have for lying to me? Having known her most of my life I would've thought that she would at least have the courtesy to be honest with me after all these years. I was apparently mistaken. There was no mention of any little trip away last night. She did have the 'cojones' though to ask how this mutual friend was doing and if she finally managed to find a babysitter. Not a 'sorry I couldn't help out', not a 'maybe we could all get together', nothing. I'm so disappointed and frustrated with this (many more similar situations have happened in the last few years) I feel I can no longer call her a friend, just a person I used to know. This feels awful. And then she offered to drive me home. I was reluctant, but thought it might be rude to refuse point blank, so asked that she drop me off at a metro/bus stop. She ended up driving me all the way home. For that I am truly thankful but I almost felt like it was ... I don't know, maybe her way of 'buying' my friendship in a way.

Got home at a reasonable hour and enjoyed Finding Neverland on TMN. Managed to sleep well despite the upsets of the day. I got 7 full hours - count 'em - s e v e n !!!

Sunday morning, waited for the call to bring me back into work (as scheduled). Came to work. Did the work. Left at the time expected. But again, not too happy. However, this time I was asked to come in again that evening. And yet again (what the hell is wrong with me???) I accepted. So here I am. It's after 8pm on a Sunday night and I am at work. On the weekend that I took Monday off so that I could enjoy a three day weekend - I ended up spending a rather large portion of it at work. Can you see what's wrong with me? Would you let me know?

Back to the whole work from intention thing, which I picked up at a yoga workshop last fall and have had varying success incorporating into my life this last year, but I keep trying. So here's what I'm thinking.

I intended to have three days off.
I intended to go to the yoga workshop.
I intended to help out at work by accepting covering the overtime.
I intended to enjoy myself at the bbq.

Everything was there, maybe I just took things a little too personally. Maybe it wasn't me these events were directed at, but others around me and the stuff they are going through. Maybe I got caught in the middle.

Your thoughts, comments, suggestions are always welcome


Why said...

I keep telling you: one of these days, I'm gonna smack you upside the head for not saying no. Make this your personal quote, like Nancy Reagan did: "Just Say No!" In the meantime...SMACK!

Poop (Sarah) said...

Hmmm. I feel like quoting someone great, but alas, all i got is Oprah. You have, my dear, "the disease to please" . But wait!! Got one! Im very much into a book on the Dalai Lama's Guide to The Essence of Happiness. I loved it whenI read that one should "frame any decision we face by asking ourselves; "Will it bring me happiness?" Approaching our daily decisions and choices with this question in mind shifts the focus from what we are denying ourselves to what we are seeking - ultimate happiness." Try it. Its pretty powerful.